hey, carrot cake.

okay, so… picture this:

there’s this thing you wanna STOP doing, because you KNOW it’s not good for you, or it’s doing you some kinda harm

maybe you want to drink less coffee because of the havoc it’s wreaking on your sleep cycle. or you want to spend less time on socials because it’s making you, ironically, feel more disconnected than ever

or maybe instead there’s this thing you wanna START doing, because you KNOW it’ll bring you closer to your goals —

you want to start posting on LinkedIn more because that’s where your ideal clients live, so you know it’ll be great for your biz growth. or you want to book more podcast spots so you can expand your reach

whether you’re looking to stop or start doing the thing, let’s say that you’re struggling with it

maybe you stick with it for a couple weeks but then start to slack off

maybe it becomes more + more difficult to follow through on

so you try some tough love with yourself + muscle through it some more

you beg, bribe and, when that doesn’t work, resort to berating yourself in an attempt to stay motivated

soon all the work you’ve done on creating more positive self-talk cycles is out the window, and you’re back to drowning in negative head chatter

and now you’re making yourself wrong for not being able to stick with this good-for-you thing in pursuit of what you told yourself you wanted

but here’s the thing…

i bet you didn’t actually want it

at least not like THAT

not as much as the other thing you were getting by not doing it

i just did a spin down 90s memory lane, inspired by all the cute viral posts i’ve seen all over the internet (à la mommy, what were you like in the 90s…?)

peep mine

and much though i didn’t want to, i HAD to include a pic of me with a cigarette in the mix

because like it or not, i smoked a LOT during the 90s

like, a pack + a half a day, for quite a few years

eventually i tried to quit, and made it 8 months TWICE before i quit for good

why did i slide back into it?

because i hadn’t really WANTED to quit in the first place

so when i saw that i could go without for as long as 8 months, i thought that meant i could also go back to it + just do it LESS

when i saw that that wasn’t true, i was finally able to kick it for good

wanna know why?

it wasn’t for my health. back then i was willing to take any consequences to my health that i wasn’t immediately feeling

it wasn’t the expense. while that was a deterrent, i’d always managed to figure it out

it wasn’t because of social norms or pressure to not be a smoker. even if i’d felt that, my rebellious streak likely would’ve kicked in + had me smoking even more lol (nose, say farewell to face)

all the reasons, all the whys that you’re supposed to call on in the pursuit of your personal goals, or to stay steadfast during tough times in your biz…

if you don’t get very real with what yours are, the ones you pick will let you down

it might sound nice to say you’re doing it for your health, or the legacy of it, or to make the world a better place

and maybe you are. fantastic. carry on

but unless those are your most deep, true, real + powerfully driving reasons, they’ll never keep you motivated in times of struggle

and there are NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS to what is really motivating you to do X or Y thing, only the most true ones

what finally got me to quit smoking, toward the end of the 90s, was realizing how much say over my day it had

i would wake up + smoke a cigarette. before going to whatever thing i had to do, i’d smoke a cigarette. as soon as it was done + before i did the next thing, i would smoke a friggin cigarette

i started adding up all the minutes in my day being spent on this between-things thing, and fuck if i didn’t want that time back

i realized how frustrated + uncomfortable i was when i wasn’t able to have a cigarette before or after doing a thing, and i damn well wanted my chill back

basically, i realized i was smoking’s bitch, and i sure wasn’t okay with it

so whatever else i thought i wanted, my sovereignty was more important

not being smoking’s bitch was way more important to me than my health or finances

if i’d ignored that + told myself i was doing it for my health, because that’s why you’re SUPPOSED to do it…

i’d probably still be smoking today

i leaned on smoking for a long time and, believe it or not, it served me well in that season

it actually gave me a lot when i needed it (community, ease for social anxiety, breaks, identity, differentiation)

and whatever thing you’re avoiding or avoiding stopping serves you in some way, too

until you can figure out what it’s doing for you + how you can get that or something better somewhere else, you’re just setting yourself up for failure + crappy feelings

until you can let go of popular reasons in favor of real ones, you’ll just keep performing wanting to make change rather than actually making it

all the rational reasoning doesn’t amount to jack if you ultimately WANT to be doing something else

i often talking about honoring your wants + following what lights you up, and it applies here, too

muscling through strategies that work well for others but totally bore you or stress you out is NOT going to bring you that same success

it’s going to waste your time, tire your soul, and reinforce the belief that other people know what’s best for you better than you

it’s going to keep you delaying joy rather than claiming it, and making yourself the problem instead of the solution you so very gorgeously are

and it’s going to keep you playing at success rather than achieving it

what do you think — did something land here, or did it uncover a different point of view within you?

you know i wanna know

xxoo, cc

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