hey, pickled pepper.

please stop saying “no worries” when no one has apologized —

specifically, when you ask someone to do something, and they say NO to your invite or request

i mean sure, most NOs from halfway decent people these days DO come with an automatic side of apology

but that doesn’t mean they should. or that you should assume they do

and i’m all about shifting those defaults, one client, reader, friend at a time

assuming apologies reinforces the idea that we should ignore our own needs for those of others

when even the unspoken expectation of an invite or request is to respond YES, it puts so much pressure on folks to comply, lest they look like an asshole

and so many of us are far too worried about that for our own good

it makes us martyr ourselves for the wishes of others, run ourselves ragged trying to meet them at our own expense, and get stuck in situations that drain us + just bum us the eff out

and not for nothing, it also often leads to lying

folks who have a hard time with confrontation + difficult conversations will absolutely choose the easier path of lying to avoid it

so by reinforcing the notion that only a YES is acceptable, you unintentionally play a part in a dynamic that fosters lying

not that it’s ever your FAULT that someone lies to you

just that it kind of makes sense

and that it may actually be preventable

now listen, i get it

what a chill, non-aggressive phrase —

how could i possibly be making a big deal about “no worries” lol

but for real…

every time we reinforce that we (often women) “should” say YES to whatever is asked of us (even by other women) —

we participate in a system that keeps us running other people’s hamster wheels instead of making our own magic + achieving dreams of our own

we lowkey take part in strengthening the patriarchy

and the pesky thing about patriarchies + other systems of oppression is that they teach us how to sustain them through what seems innocuous — through what’s common + commonly accepted

so i ask you to please pay attention to when you say “no worries” + when it’s said to you

and if it’s NOT in response to an actual apology…

if all that’s been said is NO…

or if it’s been said in response to a thank you that doesn’t need to be weighed down by the specter of what worries might be had in whatever action of kindness…

i invite you to consider saying something else instead

maybe something like:

“i understand”

“thanks for considering”

“aw, bummer!”

“okay”

“you’re welcome”

if you’re on the receiving end of “no worries,” you have an opportunity to potentially shift some mindsets with your reply

and even if that doesn’t happen, it’s a chance to act in solidarity with yourself —

which is a wonderful way to exercise the three pillars of your most thriveandbloom life (self-trust, self-love, self-care)

try replying to the “no worries” part simply + then stating something else relevant to the invite

recently i was asked to meet a friend out to watch the world cup, but i already had several things going on

when she said “no worries,” i said:

“i’m not worried lol. what a great place to catch it!”

a gentle little pattern interrupt + an easy way to continue the chat

i don’t know if it bothered her, but not saying anything would have bothered me

and it’s time we normalized that mattering

this manner of quietly standing up for beliefs without making every instance be a battle is one way we dismantle harmful paradigms without burning ourselves out

if a bigger convo happens, we know we can handle it

but they don’t all have to be big convos, and we don’t have to undermine our beliefs in order to AVOID big convos

wanna dig into this some more? ask me about what we could do in a traditional or co-created card coaching session...

💡 or just book one in + let's explore together!

xxoo, cc

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