hey, whimsical goldfish.

the other day a client was celebrating that, after quite a rough emotional patch, she was finally feeling like herself again

which of course made her so happy

but she was also visibly + verbally a little uneasy with it, too

she called out feeling like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, like she didn’t quite trust the great change

maybe she was even a little afraid to trust it

in the following days, two other clients, in other separate sessions, used those same words to describe a similar hesitant acknowledgment of something good —

a tender uncertainty, a mild disbelief, maybe even a subtle distrust that the sun could indeed be shining after so much night

it’s kind of like the other side of the coin to something i first remember feeling a very long time ago, several months after i started meditating regularly

there was this moment… i can’t remember what was going on, but i do remember where i was —

at a supply house for a sleep apnea machine i no longer use

maybe there was a problem getting what i needed, but it could have just as easily been related to something in a text

whatever it was… it was something that, in the past, would have stressed me the eff out

and i remember feeling, in that moment, very… undramatically… calm

very much NOT stressed the eff out

it was a subtle understanding that laid itself out over the whole of my body, like the lightest of summertime bedsheets —

i was just different now

the change had happened simply + slowly, over every daily + twice daily meditative practice, over minutes stacked + time elapsed

but the realization was sudden, profound, and deeply moving

it brought with it a gently bewildered wonder that was like a light cool breeze rippling + riffling that summertime bedsheet

it was a not-quite-knowing-what-to-do-here (even though “here” was decidedly great)

and so the two sides of the coin are that we can meet uncertainty around good things with wonder or distrust —

ready to allow + permit or doubt + resist

and damn if we haven’t been conditioned to doubt, resist, expect the very worst

to anticipate rain on our alanis morissette wedding day

it’s a play at self-protection that delivers you right into the jaws of danger by a thousand little anxieties, worries + fears

and probably feeling savvy for it, too!

but here’s the thing…

do you know where that phrase, “waiting for the other shoe to drop” came from?

i learned it years back, in a yale-new haven teachers institute seminar. it came from NYC tenement building life in the early 1900s, where the walls + floors were thin

at the end of a long day, you’d inevitably hear the thud of your neighbor’s shoe hit the floor above you as they set upon getting ready for bed

so when you’d hear one shoe drop, there would be this moment of waiting for the other one you knew was coming, too

we use it now to convey the anticipation of something negative (shoe thuds aren’t fun)

but back then it was a literal, logical known quantity. no one was spinning out, imagining some unknown, horrible hairy thing that may or may not come to pass

today we think of it as a natural balancing of something good with something bad, but originally there was no value judgment attached

we’ve decided that shoes drop after EVERYTHING, because we basically can’t have nice things —

so instead of bracing ourselves for what we objectively know is coming next, now we brace against everything

and we brace even more against something good, that it will inevitably lead to a drop of a show we surely deserve —

EVEN WHEN THERE’S NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT

even when there’s no sensible paired correlation between this + that

without even realizing that we’re baking this element of deserving only a certain small amount of good things into our worldview

and i’m noticing a general “waiting for the other shoe to drop” vibe going around right now

(even though there’s ALSO a very real vibe of “all the shoes have dropped + the sky is raining lava over all my bareass feet”)

if you’ve been gripped by shoe drop apprehension lately, i invite you to inventory your proverbial shoes + see if your apprehensions actually make sense —

or if they may instead be conditional residue + default thinking that you don’t even really believe in

and to remember that it was never joy or delight positioned between those shoe drops —

so if that’s what you’re feeling, shoes aren’t dropping, bloom

let yourself sit in the uncertainty of unexpected joy or delight that doesn’t deny, and let it be what it is without needing it to last

trusting that you can allow joy without worrying you’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t last

because guess what? it won’t

nothing does

and you likely WILL be disappointed

but disappointment is something you can handle

and lasting isn’t the only metric of joy that has value

and i want you to taste every nook + nuance of joy that dares to dance upon your brow

so how about we say enough with waiting for shoes to drop, and let’s barefoot frolic in the unknown magic of what good is here now

never even knowing how long it will last

xxoo, cc

ps: as always, this is never about making yourself wrong for any shoe-drop moments you may have or have had. it’s about opening up another way to potentially experience them, if’n ya like

BEHIND THE ENDEARMENT:

i grabbed a lavender latte with a dear friend this morning (with an extra shot of espresso + oat milk... YUM)

the sun was shining + it was an utter delight

i was sporting a new hat for the first time — you can't really see in the pic but it's got the most adorable silver sparkly ghost holding a red sparkly heart on it, and i love it so much

i have a complicated relationship with hats that fit like that though, as i have a big ole head + i'm not always confident that they look very good on me

said friend complimented me on the whole lewk, and when i told her my doubts, she asked if i wanted her to take a pic

i tend to get super self-conscious in pics by myself, but figured this safe friend space was a great opp to work on it, so said yes

not only did this start to shift the narrative in my head around how i feel when being photo'd, but i got a super cute pic out of it too!

sooooo... even though you may have cringed earlier when you read me sharing about insecurity + no sales, this is a reminder that there's nothing wrong with not being IN a success moment, or feeling insecure, or struggling with something

that talking about it takes its power away AND opens doors to great things

xxoo, cc

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